Connection is the ultimate health and happiness hack. We know that people who connect with others, who have close relationships, live longer. We also know that connection helps those quitting drinking or other bad habits. But what does that connection look like? Whatever you choose, as long as that type of connection will provide some accountability and support.

‍

When I started out in 2020, I was extremely hesitant to tell anyone in my circle, because

(a) I was afraid of failing and being embarrassed, and

(b) I was ashamed that I needed that kind of help to stop drinking for an extended period.  

‍

So I picked a guy I’d never met in person, who lived several states away. I knew him as sort of a friend of a friend who was in the same chat group and had previously mentioned that he was sober and offered his cell number to anyone who might ever need help. For me, that was perfect. He was a real person who had been through it, so there was some honesty and accountability there. On the other hand, he was in another state and outside of my professional network so if I failed, I wouldn’t have to face him at a conference or something.  (I’m sure I thought I could just ghost him if necessary). I just needed one person who I could tell that I wanted to stop drinking. I didn’t crack open any vault of secrets, but that got me started.  I just sent him a text maybe every week or so, saying that I didn’t drink. That was it. Apart from my husband, he was the only person I told.

‍

A few weeks in I found different online groups to connect with people who were also doing short term or long term alcohol free challenges, although I picked a group whose members were mostly in the UK, again to avoid the risk of worlds colliding. There were no meetings; I just posted online from time to time, gradually sharing more. And as time went on and I felt more comfortable discussing my situation, I connected in person with people in the U.S., mostly over shared activities (running or cold plunging or trying new mocktail spots). There was a period of a few months when I dialed into zoom meetings of an alcohol-free group just to listen and feel that common experience. I had various chat groups as well, people in or around NYC who I could check in with if I was headed to a new situation that felt stressful or that pushed drinking. Although at some point I no longer needed the same support to keep from drinking, I greatly valued having these additional supportive people as new friends.

‍

Find what works, change it over time if you like, just keep connecting as you start to build new habits. It can be as minimal as sending a text to someone who supports you that says “hey I didn’t drink today, even though today was rough.” Or you may find that sharing more about your story is incredibly cathartic and relieving. Truth telling about our experiences is also a dopamine generator, which can be especially beneficial in the dopamine deficient period after you first quit alcohol. (Anna Lembke talks about this in Dopamine Nation. The truth telling—connection—dopamine reward). If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone under your real name, drop me an anonymous note through the website. The simple act of writing even a few sentences about your situation will help you move forward.  Start small.  Write a sentence, send a text. Just start.